Why hating on ourselves does not work.

 When I came across the word, "inner critic" I felt fancy. Like I learnt a new word and couldn't wait to see what it means for me personally. 

Until I realised how much my life was getting ruined because of this voice. It's almost a constant in my head. If I don't mind it (mindfully watch it), it has the capacity to spoil my entire day.

Inner critic (definition) : 1. An inner critic is an internal voice characterized by self-judgment and a critical stance toward oneself. 2. It tells you reasons you are not good enough based on early life experiences and contributes to feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, or depression.

Source: https://www.choosingtherapy.com/overcome-inner-critic/

What happens when you have an inner critic as constant as mine:

1. We make poor choices. We are unable to see the right opportunities for growth, rest, relaxation and good friendships. 
2. We become lazy. "It's not going to turn out good anyway, why bother try?"
3. We distrust others. It's hard to comprehend clearly that someone truly cares for us, or sees us as a worthy, talented individual.
4. We overly-rely on others or isolate ourselves. Or alternating in-between extremes. The anxiety that comes from a harsh inner critic wants the soothing and validation from another human who believes we are OK enough. But the validation-seeking turns into dire need or a 'shame' for having such needs.
5. We go through life simply coping with stress; unable to make and see through our goals to the end. 

6. We never feel good enough, or our self-esteem fluctuates a lot.
7. We hide from others' our true nature. People describe us in ways we either do not want to be but somehow feel forced to be so or feel a 'win' that we are found acceptable finally. See next point.

8. There is loneliness. We want to seem OK enough for others, because we are never OK enough for ourselves. We want to someone to just understand us without us being upfront and direct about how we actually feel. This leads to deep sense of loneliness and hidden desires.

9. There is always a constant complaint about others, the systems, the government etc. Nothing satisfies us. The inner critic feeds the criticizing mentality. 
10. We feel separated or different from others.

The "inner nurturer"

When my daughter was about 4 years old, I was almost panicking on how to make her have her fever medicines. She was a sweet little thing, fearful of medicines. Instead of grabbing her hands or force feeding, or begging her an entire day, I decided to go through the experience of fear that she was feeling along with her.

It required me to sort of "get over myself" and witness her experience. 

As we went on discussing all the sensations she was feeling in her body, and as she described how "fear" feels for her, I felt her body relax just a little. We concluded together that, having the medicine is a must because of the fever. Then we discussed ways to get it done, and she was leading the discussion. From then till now almost age 8, she is a star of having medicines; much better than her parents were when we were her age.

Image source: https://ichoosehealth.com.au/

This example was provided to help you see how "validating" emotions goes a long way. It's what helps us name exactly what we are going through, face it head on without shame or fear (fear of facing the fear) and walk ourselves through the experience less harmed than what would have happened without the validation.

Validation is sometimes a solution in itself, and sometimes it paves the way for self-confidence - the opposite of what the inner critic does to us.

If you practice your inner-nurturer well enough, you become calmer because you realise not everything needs your response.

The inner nurturer allows you to feel what you feel in the moment. It does it with patience, and grace. It validates your emotions as 'normal' with a compassionate voice, and further directs you for action to alleviate your pain.

Take a few deep breaths.....

Affirmations for bringing up your Inner Nurturer voice:

(In some places I have written, "you" and in others as "my". The context is the same, either you speaking to yourself as another person, or simply self-validating by speaking to yourself as yourself.)

1. It is hard right now. 
2. Anybody would feel the same way in similar circumstances and with a personal history as yours.
3. The one-off situation does not reflect your worth or how lovable you are as a person.
4. There are others who feel the same way. It is OK to be suffering this way in this minute. While it is also OK to want better things, for ourselves.
5. It's a difficult moment to be in, the body sensations are overwhelming. We can give ourselves the time and space as the ebb and flow happens.
6. There is a future we cannot see yet.
7. My progress does not have to be linear. My mistakes allow me to reflect and redirect. I am not here to be perfect.
8. Perfectionism hurts.
9. It's hard to let go off what should not have happened. It's a human misery. I can take the time and space to heal from it. It is OK to feel what I feel at this moment.
10. This one moment is not a reflection of what all I can achieve in the future.
11. It is only human to feel and to make mistakes now and then.

Do you feel relaxed in your mind and body? Isn't this the most helpful state to be in when you want to focus on things you can control, things you want, or even make a change?

If you relate to this post, do share with the people you love.

Love,
Uma
Psychotherapist
reachout.saferspaces@gmail.com