Is small talk necessary?

I used to hate small talk, but in some ways I still stay away.

I used to feel ingenuine, and desperate when I engage in small talk. I more often have a sad face or a stone face on to block anyone who dares to speak to me. I thought I was just a teensy bit shy, until I recognized I suffer from a moderate level of 'social anxiety'.

This was the case, until a few months back.





Small talk (definition): polite conversation about unimportant or uncontroversial matters, especially as engaged in on social occasions.


Why should anyone practice small talk?

Whether you are a corporate employee or a homemaker managing a household, we need people (homo sapiens) to maintain good mental health for ourselves, to manage work easily through better emotional connect, to get help when required or delegate, and to be part of an ever-growing, evolving community. 

Why are most of us bad at small-talk?

We think of small talk as 'waste of time' equate it with 'gossiping', 'people pleasing' etc. Small talk itself is not the cause of any stress we feel, but the stress of not having enough courage to speak with others is the stress. Modern psychology indicates that good relationships really do lengthen our life span as humans. In the end, things 'we can do' does not matter as much as what brings everything together: the human connections we can make throughout our lifetime. It's the people who brighten our lives.

The human connections are a subtle layer of wellbeing upon which everything else built. It's like they say, when you are on your death-bed, nobody's final wish would be to see their degree and diploma certificates for one last time.

"I talk only to friends", you might say.

This is most of us. Not everyone is our friend, that is the point behind small talk. You don't need to please someone. You don't have to 'agree' with them on things that conflict your own values. Why even talk about serious things all the time? Why serious about yourself all the time? 

Simple interactions are shown to improve mood in the long run, it just takes practice.

Social interaction is a muscle

Practicing social skills is what it is, practice. It is not superficiality. It is you challenging yourself to be YOURSELF in any situation. 

Am I making friends?

All friendships start with superficial conversations. Not everyone we talk to have to be 'friends'. Your circle can be as precious as your time and energy. We understand that when we challenge ourselves, we feel more confident. We understand that when we feel settled within, we are more open for ideas. We also understand that, human connections help us maintain good mental health. 

When and how?

When you feel like it. You see someone, you think you may like them, smile, make eye contact, notice them, slowly talk about things you think would interest them, ask questions (people love talking about themselves).



Have a boring list pre-planned for your practice.

An example:
1. Weather
2. Complimenting on what you have observed
3. Boring, low-risk things that you may have in common. (Parents can talk about childcare or missing out on latest movies)
4. Find out their interests
5. Shopping
6. Books
7. Hobbies
8. Movies
9. Food
10. Travel

If in doubt, you can remain open to be talked to with a gentle smile, open chest, facing slightly leaned into the person you wish to converse. Practice.


What you may encounter:


We normally hesitate small talk because of the feeling of 'rejection'. What seems unnoticeable may be noticed by you, with some intensity. Like a person not answering you, for instance. Maybe they didn't hear you well, or were not sure you spoke to them. Everyone is basically trying their best not to feel rejected themselves. 

Also, sometimes, people genuinely do not wish to speak to us as much as we do. That is OK too. It is not rejection, it's just their preference.

Look for their interest, and availability. And when you internally feel "rejection" of any kind, know that it is coming from within, and don't give up.  

You may also encounter, that you made someone's day by being interested in them.




Keep yourself light and keep practicing.

Send me your stories and questions to reachout.saferspaces@gmail.com.

Love,
Uma

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