What are things we shouldn't tolerate in others?

 My greatest fear for humanity is in seeing some of us unable differentiate between abusive and healthy behaviors.

Let's begin with defining the word "Abuse"...

Abuse (definition): use (something) to bad effect or for a bad purpose; misuse

To simply put it, "use is abuse".

Let's say you and I are about to meet a group of people who we want to be seen positively with. Maybe like new colleagues, or guests coming home.

I am particularly nervous, just like anyone else when we meet new people and I out of the blue, make a comment about you. It can be a fact or a lie or somewhere in between, doesn't matter. I make a comment for the enjoyment for others, like I say, "She only cleans the house only when someone comes home! Otherwise she wouldn't even know where the broom is!"

This is particularly shameful if you were sensitive around cleanliness, or about making a positive impression, or let it be anything. Here I used you. I used you to make myself look better than you or be liked by people in general.

If you and I were in good terms, and you did not mind about cleanliness or if I immediately repaired the relationship through maybe making fun of myself, or admitting I too am lazy, it can be considered just a one-off genuine human mistake. 

No one is perfect, everyone has something to learn.

How to draw a line between what can be tolerated and not tolerated is if they have a tendency to learn, repair, and move on without holding you in contempt forever for mistakes that you too might have made.

I made a tidy little list as an example for my Guided Journaling* clients to reflect upon what they should no longer tolerate in others, and in ourselves too.

Here goes...

With others:

1. Being spoken down to. (Speaking to you like you are "less than" or like a child)

2. Being lied to.

3. Consistently breaking promises.

4. Someone unable to let go of simple issues, though lot of amends have been made

5. Damaging your things, spreading false or vulnerable information about you to others creating distress in you or in your relationship with others.

As a bonus, I want to include items we should no longer be tolerating with ourselves too.

6. No longer tolerating when you don't keep the word you set for yourself. (saying to yourself "I will wake at 5am tomorrow", but when it's 5am, you seek comfort and break the promise you made to yourself.)

7. Self-pity, being overly critical of oneself.

8. Multi-tasking without taking the time to cherish each task and rest in-between.

9. Saying "yes" to others when it's not genuine.

10. Seeking conformity from a group for your personal decisions.

Here by not tolerating, I mean that it is perfectly the right thing to do to set boundaries for your own wellbeing. You can set a boundary by speaking up about the issue in a curious, but firm voice allowing the other person to explain themselves and setting clear boundaries on what you find acceptable going forwards. It is your duty (not theirs) to follow through with your boundaries by setting yourself in high standards. 

It is good to know that...

It is also equally useful to practice acceptance that what happened did happen, and you may or may not have played a role in the situation. Practicing forgiveness skills here helps focus on future by reducing attachment to negativity and setting clearer boundaries with firmness. You improve your own sense of wellbeing through acceptance and forgiveness. Even with their acknowlegdment and their changed behaviour, we may still find old substance creeping up in our minds causing some distress, this is normal. Allow yourself to have those thoughts with a gentle attitude of acceptance and forgiveness towards yourself and the relationship. It takes practice, and focus towards betterment.

But...

If they deny what has happened, shift the blame towards you, or continue crossing your personal boundaries, you can both take therapy if the person is close to you. You both can explore healthier ways of communicating and strengthening your relationship. 

If everything fails, there is nothing wrong as an adult to choose to be distant with said people for your own wellbeing. Use your energy wisely. 

Did you find this post useful or relatable?

Please share and support :)

Love,
Uma
Psychotherapist