Weird things jealousy does | Identify before you wreck yourself

 Jealousy is more common than we think. Jealousy can also be good when you know how to distill it.

OK. Not sure if the pic I made is relatable, or even a good one. It's more like a TV serial, psycho-maniacal level of jealousy. Hold on. That's not the kind of jealousy we often see, or is it?

Jealousy (definition): feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements and advantages

In simple words, wanting what someone has, or wanting the other person not to have what we think we don't have.

Emotions one may feel when jealous: Anger, low self-esteem, shame or guilt, vengeance.

Behaviours: Wanting to hide oneself, provoke the other person, isolating, deep contemplation, emotional reasoning (reasoning to oneself why one feels that way by judging the other person negatively or judging oneself as "not enough" just because they feel something), avoidance.

Why should we know that someone is jealous with us?

If we don't identify jealousy as the cause of a person's behavior towards us, we slip into 'self-doubt' and feel 'rejected'. This can lower our self-esteem causing depression like symptoms.
We may stop doing the things that we are good at, or things we love doing. We may feel more anxious around things we used to do well. We have trouble making decisions. We feel confused and find it difficult to visualize the future.

Next, we will see: 

Weird things that people who are jealous would do:

1. Dismiss your achievements as "luck" or may assumed you received them through unfair means.
2. They may magnify the mistakes you may have made (reasoning it out saying it's because they want "better things for you" that they have to compulsively inform you of the flaws) while totally dismissing the efforts you took and the overall progress.
3. They don't appreciate or be the last ones to appreciate or congratulate.
4. They distance themselves from you, because you remind them of what they don't have (or think they don't have).
5. They dismiss your problems as either unimportant or portray you as "incompetent".

They make you feel, what they feel about themselves within them.

6. Their compliments don't uplift you. They may feel forced, or like they are "lending" you something.
7. They pick fights on unrelated matters.
8. They ask deeply personal questions in order to faults, or copy your techniques.
9. They may copy you.
10. They may say things like, "Anybody could have done it.", "I did something better when I was in college."

If you are still unable to judge your situation, the following signs show that you may be around someone who feel insecure around you:

(Depends on the individual)

1. You feel like you are walking on egg-shells around them. You may be feeling fearful, you may or may not know why.
2. You feel shocked by their lack of reciprocity, after sharing good news with them. It would feel like, they may not want you to be happy.
3. You hesitate to ask help for certain projects which you feel they don't approve of.
4. You may think they are 'better' than you, or 'know more'. Hence unconsciously seek their validation.
5. You may feel more quieter around them, like you have nothing to say.
6. You may feel sad or confused about the state of the relationship.

7. You may experience 'clinginess'.
8. You may feel drained due to over-compensating for their failures, over-explaining yourself, over-extending to help them feel better.
9. You may have thoughts of distancing yourself with them.
10. You no longer feel respect or trust towards them.

What to do about it?

Priorities help us identify and focus on things that we value. It helps us invest our energy into things that matter.
Ask yourself, "What do I want?"; "What is important to me right now?"; "What areas of my life do I need to improve or put my whole energy into?"; "Is the situation distracting me from getting going after what I want?"

Being understanding and compassionate towards ourselves, help us ward off unhelpful interactions. 
Ask yourself,  "Am I receiving a helpful feedback right now?" "Do I like the way I feel? How is this helping me?" "How can I be kind to myself?" "Am I allowing myself patience and grace towards this moment of suffering?"

Setting boundaries for our own wellbeing because we are clear about what we want in life. Sometimes when we set clear and firm boundaries, it helps the other person also decide what they want to be doing. Nobody wants to live with insecurity. This may give them also a chance to self-reflect.

Choose yourself first. Before going neck deep in relationships, fill your own cup first. No good ever came from a person who themselves are lacking in energy and positivity.

Accept that the past cannot change. Our fears and worries about the future are a final attempt to change history and edit the storyline. They make us have fantasies of people around us. "He might change!", "She will acknowledge her mistake and come back to me!" etc. Accepting that the past cannot be changed, and for it to not be repeated, we are the ones who has to change. Accept human limitations in judgements, how our needs and desires cloud our judgements. Accept that what happened, happened and the future is in the present moment. Be willing to experience what is in your hands today and make the best of it one day at a time.

Be forgiving. I personally find this one very interesting. We may ask ourselves, how can I forgive them when they are supposed to be the one cheering me? Those who are jealous may be your own parents, spouses, or your only friend even. But, they are humans too. Nobody gave us a manual on how to live or manage life problems. Everybody is trying their best to reduce stress and 'make it' in life. When we stick a "supposed to do this" on someone, we are doing ourselves a great disservice. The person who was supposed to save you, love you, was always you. (This does not apply to children and other vulnerable population of the society.)
Be the adult you wish you had, and that can happen with practicing forgiveness. It helps reclaim the positivity we are meant to live with. Keep those big dreams alive.

If you found this post insightful, please share your comments and stories to my email ID: reachout.saferspaces@gmail.com