Ideas that make us confident (ideas that work)

 I used to think I was a confident individual until I realised who I was on the inside.

It was a great revelation finding that I was validation-seeking and did not have my own inner source of "I am well". I was more aware of this part of me in by my late 20s and early 30s. Probably that's the time we are working, getting married etc where not all your work shows up as marks, grades, recognition/attention etc. Sometimes or most times, they don't. You work without the recognition.

I realised that I have not seen me enough and validated myself enough without the need of external factors such as what I achieve in terms of marks, certificates, money, people's liking towards me etc.

This was hard for me to turn from someone who is externally focused to someone who is more of internally focused. 

A cute pic explaining this...

(my list of) Things we have to change today to bring the control back within us:

Do not look on the outside: for proof that you are worthy, or you did a good job, or that you are lovable enough.

These things may make us feel 'small' when look for validity from the outside. Imagine if someone has to live with a person who constantly seeks assurances that they are ok, what they did is good enough and whatever we say doesn't seem to stop that endless search for "Am I OKAY?" that they have within themselves. It's draining both for ourselves, and our loved ones.

Make a list of 10 small to big things you felt good about achieving or overcoming.

Next to each item write what 'quality in you' helped you achieve those things.
If you see few words getting repeated, now you know what values you stand for. 
Anytime you are in doubt, remind yourself those words and say to yourself, "THAT is the real me."

What you do in the morning, really matters.

Mornings are not for a mini-bathroom-date with our smartphones. They kill our surge of creativity (I started writing this blog at ~6am today) and our willpower. Mornings are also not for endlessly worrying: which our God-given stress hormones make us do, for some of us. What we do in the morning, sets the tone for the entire day. What you do in a day, accumulates overtime. And this overtime leads to what we call as healthy sense of self, the "I AM".



Take care of your habits and they will take care of your Self-image. 
Make 2 lists. One is what you want to be having in the long run, and another what you want to be doing in a given day.
Now make a third list, a mental list. Observe what you are doing in a given day, how much time you spend for each of these unconscious tasks. 

See whether they align to what you want to be doing, and whether they will help you in achieving what you want to be having.

Thank your emotional triggers for showing you what you need to work on.

Think of life as a constant self-improvement journey. Think of your actions as an exploration of how to play this game of life. Not every action has to end with an applause. You are simply trying. Even the greatest people on Earth, have thoughts that they may not be doing enough or knowing enough. The difference is that we do not enjoy "not knowing" or "losing face". It's all part of the process, you are right on track, today. You need these triggers to start the work.

Emotional triggers are treasure troves to seeing what your subconscious needs are, and ways to get them fulfilled by yourself. Remember, "locus of control".

When you feel triggered, notice what the emotional content is of the trigger situation.
Write an Inner-child letter to soothe the child in you. They want to be heard and seen through these trigger-laden situations.
Yes, in almost every situation you are being triggered - the cause is inside you.

No one can make you feel anything, unless you have given them the permission. 

What do you think of yourself, to be allowing (sometimes disallowing) yourself to feel something?
What is it about you, that makes you feel the way you do?

Have your back.

Now as we build more awareness around who you are on the inside, what your hidden needs are, how your habits are like and superimposing them with your highest values and goals...have your back. Be constantly wary of your energy levels and have your back. Know that human beings have limited energy, and it has to be fueled through self-care. No self-improvement journey is complete without self-acceptance. Accept you too need support, give it to yourself. Asking for help from people who really care, doctors and therapists is also giving yourself the support.

• Set boundaries with things are draining, and fuel yourself enough to work on things that matter to you. 
• Know that the "inner critic" exists for each and every one of us. Most people are unaware of it, and simply don't take risks and live lives of low confidence.
• Acknowledge your inner critic and bring to awareness your values and strengths also.
• Make small post-it notes of your insights and your strengths and stick it where you can see everyday.
• Make your circle the "Golden-circle", who would cheer for you when things go well, and wish you don't give up when things do not go well. Anyone else are outsiders. Have lesser interactions with outsiders.
• Make self-care a priority, because you are a priority.

As with anything, building confidence is a journey of knowing ourselves deeply, and learning to accept we are enough at this moment. It takes constant self-reminders, practice and daily small challenges for progress.



Hope you found my writing relatable, and insightful too.

If you have any stories to share and questions, please email me at reachout.saferspaces@gmail.com.

Love,
Uma,
Psychotherapist